When I'm President . . .

There will not be one cent in my budget for the United Nations or any of its programs. In fact, I'm going to sign an executive order kicking that useless body right out of this country. It can go to Afghanistan and help that country build an economy based on something other than opium poppies.

Foreign aid will be severely curtailed. Not one red cent will go to any country that criticizes us or votes against us in the U.N., assuming that the U.N. makes a go of it in Afghanistan. All of you countries take note: you are not going to feed at our trough at one end and $*&% on us at the other. It's our money and our rules, and we don't really care whether or not you like it.

America will be closed. There will be no more immigration from any country. We're going to start taking care of our own. Anyone caught sneaking in will be shot on sight. It's our country and our rules, and we don't really care whether or not you like it.

This is America. We speak English. Everything will be in English, and there will be no interpreters. If you can't read and write our language, then you had better learn. Until you do, you can't vote, you can't drive a car, you can't sign up for welfare, etc. If you want to avail yourself of all the rights, benefits, and privileges this country has to offer, then the very least you can do in return is learn our language. It's our country and our rules, and we don't really care whether or not you like it.

This is America. We have one flag. There will be no protests wherein the flag of another country is carried through our streets, nor will foreign flags be flown from our flagpoles. Burning our flag will be illegal. Contrary to what the black-robed bastards of the bench say, burning the flag is not free speech.

This is America. We worship God. You can worship whoever you want, but you will not preach violence from the pulpit. Any church, synagogue, or mosque advocating violence will be burned to the grounds and its leaders arrested and tried for treason.

The Constitution is not more important than national security. There will be racial profiling at airports, train stations, bus terminals, and the like. It is perfectly ridiculous to endanger lives in order not to offend someone. There is no constitutional "right" against increased scrutiny.

Political correctness will be abolished. I'd do away with the ACLU and the Ninth Circuit if I could.

We will become energy independent. We will drill in ANWR and any other damn place that has oil. We will build new refineries. Any environmental group that files suit to prevent the building of any refinery must first post a $100 million cash bond and then actually prove that building that refinery will harm the environment. I said actually prove. Phony studies by like-minded organizations will not suffice. One peep out of Florida about offshore drilling and they won't get one red cent of FEMA money the next time a hurricane hits.

The minimum wage will be abolished because it hurts businesses and it's nothing more than a way for the liberals to pretend they care about the "little people," when in fact, they really don't.

Unless Congress agrees to a 50% cut in pay and benefits, no monies will be budgeted for congressional pay and benefits. Furthermore, all of the money that members of Congress have been squirreling away in their private retirement accounts will be put into the Social Security system, and I mean every single cent. It's criminal that Congress has exempted itself from the Social Security system. Once their retirement is dependent on Social Security, they might actually reform it instead of bleeding it dry for their pet projects.

Cindy Sheehan, Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand, Michael Moore, Harry Belafonte, and Al Franken will be deported to Afghanistan so they can work for the United Nations.

When I'm President, America will be America again.